Retrospective From The Teleprompter-In-Chief

[Originally posted Oct. 11, 2009 at The Hostages, but it had words n’ stuff instead of funny pictures, or a stupid video, so I thought I’d give it a go here.]

Greetings, My Fellow Americans, It has almost been a year since I preyed upon the stupid and gullible, and the Democratic Party faithful (but I repeat myself), and used my race, and the unreasoning groundswell of support that I got from “my own people”, along with the white guilt felt by many boomers, who helped program it into their children, and leapfrogged into an office that I simply am not worthy to have, in charge of a country I completely despise, so that I could continue to campaign for the office of “World President”.

 In the interim, I, and my appointees have done much to make the previously unthinkable possible. Whether appointing a tax cheat to be the Secretary of the Treasury, or nominating czars who are self-professed communists, radicals, and internationalists, I have done much to create conditions that really will make it so you can never go back to your lives as they were, before my ascendancy to office. I’d like to say a special thank you at this time to the newspapers and all of the networks other than FOX. Really, I could not have accomplished so much without your assistance. Your empty fawning over me, your refusal to look in to the parts of my past that I refused to make public, the lack of scrutiny of my crazy friends and associates, and the zombie-like support for a candidate with such a tiny resume’. Truly, you looked past every single reason your once-finely honed journalistic instincts would see as a waiving red flag, and instead helped an entire nation of thumb-suckers pour all their hopes for change into the empty vessel that is me. I couldn’t have asked for better collaboration than what you have freely given, and it has been valuable beyond measure.

 It even made it worth it to me to let that crazy honkey Chris Matthews hump my leg at every opportunity. And the time will come again soon, as we march on the road of fundamentally changing this country, when I will need even more help from you. On that day, I will need your resources and unquestioning allegiance. It shouldn’t be too difficult for you, as so many of you whored out your journalistic integrity and independence a long time ago. Many of you may not even notice the switch to being state-run media, but since it will also come with the government’s financial support, it should be of no consequence to most of you, except those impertinent holdouts at FOX and those reality-challenged bloggers who keep spreading those falsehoods about me. And they will soon be inundated with the tide of democracy that the FCC will impose upon them all. They will acknowledge the newspeak truth, or the forces of our own new history will sweep them away, like they will sweep away all the vestiges of that failed system of capitalism, and the outdated notions of belief in old gods, and personal responsibility.

Make no mistake, I will do my best to damage every long-held belief that I cannot destroy; forging a new nation that where the only things you believe are worth having are those that I, your new god and savior, let you have through the government that is the instrument of my power and will be the touchstone of your complete and utter dependency. I have given you a Stimulus that has stimulated nothing but the purses of those interests friendly to me and hostile to this country, and still you praise me, and look to me with longing for the “Hope and Change”. How much more will you praise me when I give you environmental legislation that will necessarily make your utility bills skyrocket, and drive industry offshore, as it does nothing for the environment? How great will the chorus of your lemming like voices be when I give you health insurance reform that will cause thousands of doctors to quit, rationing care, and necessarily bankrupting this once-great nation to provide this newfound ‘right’ to the masses? Loud enough to sing me to ascension as the leader of the entire world, I think, for I am the Hope of Changing this country. I am the embodiment of the hope that America can be dragged away from its past, from its core beliefs, from everything that made it a leader and a force to be reckoned with, so that those who would shackle humanity to their own ambitions can do so, free of the fear of a nation that has three times stood as a bulwark against the designs of the immoral, the decayed, the craven, and the opportunistic, and given hope to those wretched masses cowering in the shadow of their jackboots, poised to come down and crush the unwilling underneath their boots. And I did it all with the willing assistance of a once-proud people. I am a conundrum; I am the man who promises everything in exchange for all you have. I am a cypher; a man with no past, who used an empty catchphrase that allowed millions to project the worst of their lazy aspirations on to me, and believe them noble and good. I made it not only fashionable to covet what your neighbor has earned, I made it a political imperative, and the gateway through which you will gladly accept ideas that were once anathema to you. This is how I will be able to fix that imperfect document called the Constitution, and destroy the freedoms it has provided by making it an instrument of social justice, at least as much justice as we see fit to allow you to have. Thank you. It has been a long year, and one marked with setbacks that I did not expect and had trouble adjusting to. Many of you still possess the idea that this is your country, and that you get to decide what will eventually happen in it.

 Let me be clear: Your resistance has been noted. Your fellow citizens overwhelmingly supported the call to identify those among you with such arcane and ancient notions. Flag@whitehouse.gov has collected far more than a clandestine domestic surveillance ever could. In the coming months, we will do all in our power to limit the exercise of the Second Amendment, and we will continue with our de facto confiscation of radio stations. We will impose net neutrality rules, and will silence the opposition on the internet, and we will do it in a way that will leave the masses convinced that it was the right thing to do for the good of us all.

Take heart, America. One day, you will be able to look back to this time, and you will be able to see that this was the minute when you were freed from the burden of making your own choices. This was the moment when the government took away the sting of consequences for bad choices, thus redefining them to be simply acts in opposition to progress for progress’s sake. We stand at a bold precipice today. Government will no longer be restrained by notions of limitations on its rights, or the silly belief that it serves you. A new dawn is coming, and I will audaciously stand for this change that America has needed since its birth so long ago. With your continued help and support, I will take us there.