Sometimes, the things we love get tarnished because of our carelessness, because of our anger, or our powerlessness.
I used to LOVE blogging.
Don’t get me wrong. I still enjoy it, but it used to be something I looked forward to with great zeal and anticipation. It is a hobby that has provided some great friendships and provided me with reassurance that I’m not the only one looking around at the world today and wondering “What the Hell? When did the inmates start running the damn asylum?” But as with anything that has an emotional investment and that is worthwhile, it has had its share of disappointments, and friends who have either grown cold, or are friends no more.
I was lucky enough to be accepted into a few online communities that have a family feel for those who find a place there. But like all such places, they can be brutal to those who are not, or those who find that they have been cast out.
A few months back, I found two friends who were part of my family at odds with each other. Things escalated, words were exchanged, and actions were taken. To say that it shocked some people would be an understatement. As a result, I started a new blog. Which is to say that I turned on the lights, and put a name on it.
I didn’t enter into this decision lightly. Before taking this step, I talked to someone who took this conflict even more to heart than I did. And she loved the idea. Others were given invites and it took off. Sharing a penchant for low-brow conservative leaning humor, we always knew it would be a whorehouse, but we wanted it to be our whorehouse. The members of out happy little band, led by my friend, made it so..quite literally, and a new clubhouse was born. Unfortunately, there were still hard feelings, and possessing some myself, I let my anger and my fingers get the better of me. This was soon discovered, and the result was more confrontation, public and private. My friend “quit” the family, and while the rest of us weren’t disinherited, some of us weren’t exactly welcome anymore.
Then my friend, who had a complicated and complex surgery months ago had very suddenly taken a turn for the worse. The news was a shock to all, both the family she retained, and the family she had quit. Her health became the center of everyone’s attention, and concern transcended the recent hurts and unpleasantness.
After a brave battle, and several traumatic surgeries, my friend died, leaving a husband, two children, grandchildren, and more internet friends than her family ever knew she had.
Being close to the two in the family who lived nearby and who visited her during her hospital stay, I knew the prognosis wasn’t good. The news that she left us wasn’t a surprise, but it didn’t make it any easier to take. Grief is a funny thing. Some people turn inward, some retreat, and others wear it on their sleeves. I’m not sure that I have fully reconciled with it.
Some people have a presence, even when they say very little at all. My friend was like that, and I find on many days, that I sorely miss that presence. I think that she was the emotional touchstone for our little fold in moronspace on the internet. I do know that while the conflict with the family took away my joy in blogging for a while, my friend’s death sucked all the air of the room for me.
It would be difficult to explain why I’ve let any of this affect me the way that it has. I know that some people would tell me that it is silly, but I’ve met some of the members of the family, and had private conversations with others. They aren’t “fake internet friends” anymore when you’ve dined and had drinks with some of them, or can at least put a real name and a voice with them. And when you have witnessed or participated in the genuine decency that they show toward their own, detachment doesn’t really seem to be an option anymore.
Sometimes, not all your friends will get along. Sometimes, they will carry grudges. And sometimes, one or both will go to the grave unreconciled.
I’d like to say that fatigue from being busy at work and a constant parade of mendacity, contempt, and lawlessness from this administration have been the reason why I just haven’t been posting much. (And that would certainly be part of it.) But, really, its been thinking about family, and those who can’t reconcile any longer, for whatever reason. I can’t speak for everyone, and I don’t expect everyone else to see it my way. But I have learned that life is too damn short to let things said in anger keep you divided from friends and family. Those divides and the words that fill them have a way of growing, and becoming more jagged over time. And in the end, no words haunt more than the ones left unsaid.
Taxes, Stupidity, and Death 
I lurk there, but have not commented.
I miss her, my charming little sister by a different mother, too.
Thanks, bro.
I have a bit of ennui, but from a different source. The entire issue … well, I just chalk that up to something I simply am not meant to completely understand. And, I like who I like and EOL.
My ennui is more tied to OUTRAGE fatigue. A sense that I can’t believe HE DID THAT. How much lower can Obama sink? It’s, like, bottomless. And it simply has become boring to point it out.
But I have learned that life is too damn short to let things said in anger keep you divided from friends and family. Those divides and the words that fill them have a way of growing, and becoming more jagged over time.
Word.
That was a beautiful post my friend … and even though we have so little in common politically, I do consider you a decent man and a friend in cyberspace. I’m sorry you’ve encountered so much turmoil in the blogosphere of late.
As you know you’re always welcome at that strange gathering known as the RL Blog. 🙂
BisW…….
the one thing I want when I die is for no one to be angry with me and for me not to be angry with anyone. To achieve that is a tall order, but showing others civility…being able to forgive….and lending others a hand when necessary go a long way to making that final wish happen.
My sympathies to you for your loss……I still owe you a cup of coffee, maybe this summer eh?
Jay, I’m gonna take a few days off this summer, but I think I owe YOU the coffee, sir.
Hmm… “Fake” internet friends? Well, over the years I have made many of those myself as well. More than a few passed on. Did it hurt quite as much as when my daughter died? No, but clearly, it hurt.
Everyone handles death differently. Despite all the studies on death and dieing. Every death is also somehow different. I learned that working so many years as a Paramedic.
Enjoy the coffee; for her if for nothing else.
Trying to maintain what you feel is a quality blog can be a chore. Your work has always been heartfelt and well presented.
We like to think that family ties are the strongest, but it doesn’t always work out that way. Harsh words can not be easily retracted and they can many times leave one with a feeling of betrayal that is compounded by the rupturing of the trust that was unwisely taken for granted.
Life is made up of challenges. We are not defined by adversity …. but how we react to it.
You are a survivor. I wish you well as your journey continues.
“Fake internet friends”??!!! Heck, I’ve been married to “an internet friend” for the past 13 years! Being we have little money, and less social life, the internet is about as good as it gets. (Now if I can just get her over to UP, I think she might enjoy it.)
As far as your posting, hell these days it isn’t easy. It really feels different now, than it did as early as four to six years ago. The atmosphere has changed (subtle or not, it feels different) there is more polarization, more division, between people. We are less about being Americans, as we are becoming more about being _______ -americans. Families and friends are becoming divided. It has happened to my family, and I am sure it has happened to countless others as well.
I have one sibling who is a staunch liberal, and we are at opposite sides on any number of issues, but at the end of the day he is my brother, and I love him. And though it may be hard at times, family always should come first if at all possible.
summer school ends on July 19th, I’ll be in town for the remainder of the month. Let’s set something up m’kay?
I miss her, too. At the same time, I can admire the strength of the friendships she made, the actions taken to give her love and comfort at the end, and hope I can make a positive difference in the world like that.
BiW, FWIW, I’ve always found you to be a great friend and I love reading everything that you write.
I think it’s the atmosphere “at the top” that has all of us on edge. When your own President is fomenting a Civil War amongst the people that he is supposed to unite – well, NONE of us have ever dealt with anything quite like this before, and we are all at sea as a result.
We’ll all come out stronger as a result, but we’re gonna get buffeted against the rocks along the way…..
Take some time out for yourself, my friend – you are loved….
BIC,
I was on vacation when you wrote this. Then I piled on at another blog in a dispute you and I seldom have, and probably even making you more miserable and disgusted. Sorry about the timing bud. Always liked you.
Don’t know who the person you were referencing, but I am sorry for the loss. Funny how you can grow attached on these blogs.
I have found myself becoming more uncivil the last few years. I don’t blame the clown at the top. I blame the people who put him there.
After what I witnessed during the years 2000-2008? The insidious charges, the treason, and the most egregious of lies about Bush, Cheney, Iraq, our military.
I loathe those people and they disgust me. I have absolutely no intent of reconciling with those creeps until I read apologies for their abhorrent behavior and a guarantee it will never happen again. If they can’t do that, screw them. I don’t need them.